There's nothing quite like a good day of having nothing on the agenda but sex. If you've never had a sexcation, I highly recommend it. It was breathe new life into any relationship and it doesn't cost a dime! Here's what you do. Take the day off. Allow for no distractions. Only leave bed for food and bathroom breaks. Trust me, it's totally worth it.
Read More......Monday, December 29, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
the drive-by pickup?
Yesterday, I left my usual Sunday afternoon dance class especially sweaty and disheveled. As I was on my way home, I stopped at a red light. I turned my head and saw a guy driving a black car 2 lanes over smiling and nodding at me. I turned away. I turn my head again and he is still smiling and nodding. Now I'm wondering what's going through this guy's head. I can't possibly look remotely attractive since I'm all sweaty and nasty. Does he think I'm desperate or something, like I'm just waiting for my dream man to pull up in his beat up old Corolla and whisk me away? Does he think he's going to get me to toss him my number through his open window? Does he think I'm going to just get up out of my car and jump into his? Does he realize he's only making me more uncomfortable by the second?
The light changes to green and I drive off as quickly as I can. But I am still left to ponder, why do guys do this? Is there a portion of the male brain that actually thinks making eyes at chicks at stoplights is going to get them laid? Can someone please enlighten me on the psychology behind the "drive-by" because this whole phenomenon is just plain baffling to me.
Friday, September 5, 2008
the sweet itch of revenge
This morning, one of my daily e-newsletters presented me with the following link:
http://www.revengecrabs.com/
My first thought after reading this - I wonder if we're putting the nice, innocent UPS man at risk by shipping these?
DISCLAIMER: I have never had, nor given, crabs to anyone. Nor do I advocate the spread of STD's. But damn, that's some funny shit if you think about it.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Yours + Mine = Epic Fail
Below is an email exchange between myself and the makers of KY Yours + Mine. Though I have removed the names of the not-so-innocent, I assure you all I did not make any of this up. But in the interest of full disclosure, it is a dear friend of mine who is responsible for the marketing of this product, so all emails below were sent in jest and do not reflect the views of any actual corporations. This is meant solely for your amusement.
Original email sent my me:
Dear Mr. "My Job Is To Make Sex Better For Americans",And the response I received:
It is with great sadness and regret that I must report the complete and total failure of your new product. The box claims an experience that is "better than just right. Completely new and unexpected. More exciting. More satisfying. More everything." Perhaps if everything were to mean nothing, this would be true. I must confess that Yours + Mine completely failed to enhance my intimate experience. In fact, it completely failed to affect my experience in any way, shape or form. My $18.99 would have been better spent on tins of Altoids and a honey bear (essentially what Yours + Mine is) or perhaps some midget porn (which would have been more inspired). I want a refund - in cash - NOW.
Hugs and kisses,
Janet and [snip]
P.S. Let this be a lesson to you - don't try to convince a hyper-sexed lunatic and [snip] that your product actually does something amazing when it can barely cause a tingle. FALSE ADVERTISING!!!! BAD MARKETER! BAD, BAD!!!!!!
P.P.S. Seriously dude, this shit is so going back to CVS.
And my final rebuttal:Dear Ms. [snip],
We at the [snip] corporation sincerely regret that our product failed to warm your vagina to the degree that you desired. Perhaps your vagina has been desensitized due to the frequency with which you stick things in it. Or perhaps you are just a bitch. Either way, we would like to suggest that you upgrade to another of our products, Ben Gay, to ensure that your vagina gets the “completely new and unexpected” sensation that you are seeking.
Thank you for your letter and please do not hesitate to lose our number.
Sincerely,
[snip]
Dear Messrs [snip],Read More......
Who is Ben and how is he supposed to satisfy my vagina if he is gay?
Kindest regards,
Janet
Monday, July 28, 2008
being a good doggie mommy
Regular readers know that a couple of months ago, I adopted a 1 year old Pekingese mix from the pound named Bruno. Bruno has quickly become the number one man in my life, much to the amusement/chagrin of my boyfriend who likes to remind me I am not Bruno's mommy because I did not carry him in my womb. My dog is amazing and earned the top spot in my life for all the following reasons:
- Bruno is a lover, not a fighter.
- Bruno is a part Asian mutt, just like me. His dog DNA test says he is a mix of Pekingese, Cocker Spaniel and Poodle. I am still convinced he has Corgi in him because of his body shape, but whatever he is, he is awesomely adorable.
- Bruno loves to eat and will enjoy anything you give him. We all know how much I hate picky eaters. Plus, Bruno can really go to town on some cupcakes, just like his mommy!
- Bruno is also an "exercise bulimic." He loves to go running and hiking with me!
- Bruno has charmed the entire neighborhood! People who don't even know ME know my dog! Strangers approach all the time when I'm walking him and don't even give me a cursory glance, they just stoop down and say "Hi Bruno!" He's just uber-popular like that.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Dirty Thirty
Yesterday was my 30th birthday. But I swear I don't feel a day over 21 - I got carded at Costco buying wine for the party! I had the honor of being roasted by my friends in LA this Saturday. My boyfriend took the opportunity to read aloud an entry from this very blog at the event. My 7 years of singledom were very much the focus of the day. Obviously, since I started a blog about it all, I am very open about myself and my life. But that my long bout of singledom really only defined me for the last 2-3 years of it. For at least the first 2-3 years, it was just necessary. I needed the time off because I wasn't ready to be in relationship. I guess I didn't fixate on being single so much because I was pouring my energy elsewhere, actively trying NOT to be dating anyone. I started thinking after the LA roast what the NY roast is going to be like, and I realized it's going to be a totally different crowd of people who are going to tell totally different stories of my college years and my acting days. So I've decided to breakdown all the previous versions of me to help you all better understand me.
- Janet 1.0: The College Years
- It took me a long time to come out of my shell, so my exploits with men in college were pretty tame.
- Janet 2.0: The "EX" Year
- I started dating my ex pretty much right out of college when I began working at my first job in NYC. I would say that entire year pretty much revolved around him and the drama of our on-again, off-again relationship.
- Janet 3.0: The Fallout Years
- Figuring out you were completely wrong about someone you thought you loved is always hard. So I spent severals years doing lots of plays and rock climbing to channel my energy. Some very interesting times and lots of crazy stories would stem from this period in my life.
- Janet 3.1: The Uber-Fallout
- Several years of avoidance must catch up with you at some point, so I got mine back in the Fall of 2005. Luckily for me, I was able to pull myself up quickly, regroup and shift gears.
- Janet 4.0: Laid back Janet
- Laid back is a relative term here, but since moving to the West Coast, I am much calmer and more balanced. Some may find this hard to believe, but ask anyone who knew me before and they will gladly confirm this truth.
Monday, June 23, 2008
self-discovery
I was sitting out by my hot tub yesterday with a friend (tough life, yeah, I know) and we were chatting about life and relationships. We touched upon how no two relationships are the same, and how being in a relationship is often more about learning about yourself than the other person. So that made me wonder what exactly have I learned recently from being in a relationship? Here's a quick list:
- I like having someone around who reminds me each day that I'm a total dork and a spazz.
- I love my dog more than my boyfriend. The dog never makes snide remarks, nor does he ever let me drive 4 miles in the wrong direction before telling me!
- I'm more girlie than I like to think I am, particularly when it comes to cuddling.
- Feeding me cheesecake in bed is definitely the way to my heart.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
cuppy cake!
An oldie, yes. But still always brings a smile to my face! Wishing you all a happy, sugar-laden day!
Friday, June 13, 2008
Working Girl
Remember the seminal 80's classic "Working Girl" staring Melanie Griffith before her lips looked like they were injected with Mike & Ike candies and Indiana Jones before he was shipped off to the geriatric home? Remember how gloriously fun it made having a big girl job seem? With all the sitting on Staten Island ferry reading the NY Post and posh lunches and ski trips and sexy board meetings and lots of sex and stuff? Well, I only wish real life work were so glamorous! Going to work every day sucks. After 2 years in the cocoon of grad school, I'd forgotten how much so. I mean, I worked all last summer on a regular schedule, but somehow it was different because my frame of mind was like, "well, this is only for 10 weeks so it's just temporary." But knowing that this is what I'm going to be doing now for the rest of my life is quite a shock. I mean, commuting 50 minutes or so each way is hell, even if it does entail driving up and down the PCH every day (it sounds a lot sexier than it is, really). The worst part of it all is the time demands of a full time job mean less time to myself, which means less time to work out, which means less time to hang out with friends, which means less time to sleep which mean less time to get laid! Melanie Griffith, you misled me, you evil wench!
Read More......Wednesday, June 4, 2008
changes
First of all, my apologies to all for having been missing in action for so long. Things have been quite busy here. I'm going to recap the last month or so for you all, just so you don't feel left out.
Vegas, baby!
In a time-honored MBA ritual, prior to graduation, my class had our "disorientation" in Sin City. I had an AMAZING time in Vegas. Admittedly, I spent maybe 20% of the time out partying it up with my classmates and the remaining 80% of it locked in my room with my boyfriend, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. ;)
Graduation
Yup, I graduated and am officially all done with school for life. And even better, I am employed! I have the perfect job and I start working this Monday. The boyfriend thinks I'm going to be his sugar mama now. Yeah, right.
Doggie mania!
There is a new #1 man in my life. I have fulfilled another long time dream of mine and have become a dog owner! I adopted Bruno from the Los Angeles County Animal Shelter in Carson and he is, according to the shelter, a Pekingese mix. We believe he also has some Corgi and Tibetian Spaniel in him, and he is the sweetest, best dog ever! 
Additionally, as part of my search for a dog, I fell in love with the most precious Chow Chow mix puppy with an unidentified neurological disorder that left her with a constant bobbing motion to her head at the shelter in Van Nuys. She was likely going to be too big and possibly have special needs I couldn't take care of with a full time job, so I passed up on adopting her, but lucky for me, my brother was looking for another dog to adopt as a companion to his lab, Winston. I took him to see her and he adopted her and named her Charlotte. Take a look, you can't help but totally love this cutie pie!
So, in summary, I have said goodbye to one phase of my life and am beginning another. I couldn't be more excited!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
crisis of identity
Last week, I took a consumer behavior survey to help a classmate out on a class project. The topic of the survey was interracial dating. This probably seems pretty straightforward to most people, but to poor ethnically confused me, I was truly frustrated by the seemingly "black and white" answer choices on the survey. Being part Asian, I'm a little racially confuddled. I'm the self-proclaimed "chi-talian", for Pete's sake! I'm not sure what I am, or what that means as far as interracial relationships are concerned. Am I in an interracial relationship right now? I'm not sure. Am I in an interracial relationship with myself when I'm maturbating? I don't know!!!! AAAAH, my brain hurts!!!!!!!!
In a world where more and more interracial children are becoming adults, maybe we need to redefine the categories of race, or throw them out altogether. Racial boundaries become blurrier every day. I know my fellow MBA candidates mean well, but I think they are really missing the boat here with how they defined race in their survey. I answered the multiple choice questions as best I could, but they didn't reveal a tenth of the real story. So if you want to explore issues of race and cultural identity, a 10 question multiple choice survey will give you an impossibly skewed view of the issues many of us "halfie" kids grapple with on a daily basis. Think about it. In the meantime, this "chi-talian" is off to enjoy the happiest day of the year - Ben & Jerry's Free Cone Day!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Hello Kitty
I'm not sure if I'm reaching new highs or new lows of hipster coolness when I say that at the ripe old age of 29 I have developed a sudden and deep interest in all things Hello Kitty. It began as a joke. But now it's blown up into something huge - I am exploring my Asian culture via fervid searches for Hello Kitty lingerie and home furnishings. Friends, I only ask that you all please stop me short of getting the Hello Kitty smart car (I'm not making that up, it's real.)
In the meantime, please enjoy the Hello Kitty/Mortal Kombat justaposition below. (Gotta cling to my tough girl image somehow!)
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Vagina-cano: A Warning To All The Ladies
Dear female reader,
Don't ever get a Brazilian bikini wax and attempt to have sex a mere 6 hours later. Trust me, you do NOT want to experience the "vagina-cano". It will put a huge damper on your evening. Your man will laugh hysterically as you find you are unable to walk and your pleas for topical analgesics to extinguish the fire blazing through your bikini area go unanswered. You will end up nursing your crotch with a bag of ice and rounds 2 and 3 of the night will definitely be disappointingly out of the question.
For future reference, always wait at least 24 hours post-waxing before attempting a sex-a-thon. Ms. Kitty will thank you for your consideration.
Vagtastically yours,
Janet
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
how not to go snowboarding off a cliff
I have definitely been caught up in the whirl of a new relationship, school, job hunting and life in general. I owe you all an update, I know, so here it goes.
First of all, I'm dating the best guy ever. Period.
Second, I still need a job. Anyone wanna hire me? I'll bring you cupcakes!
Third, unintentionally catching an edge while snowboarding and subsequently flying off a cliff and sliding 30 feet down a sheet of ice only to be finally stopped by like the 10th bush I ran over makes me very sore. I don't suggest doing it, ever, even though it was hysterically funny.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
stalked
Being a cute girl has its pluses and minuses. Sometimes, those pluses and minuses can even rolled into the same experience. I will share with you one such of these experiences now.
The other day, I took Lucy (my car) in to the Subaru dealership for a routine oil change and maintenance. It is my understanding that a high proportion of female Subaru drivers are lesbians, so being a cute straight girl with a Subaru is unusual. When I pull into the service center, I immediately have attention rained on me from all directions, which is great because a) it boosts my ego and b) I get better, faster service. All I had to do was smile and I was in and out of there in under an hour.
Now for the downside of this experience. The technician who worked on my car left his card with his cell number in my cup holder. This is mildly amusing, but not necessarily a cause for alarm. However, when I got an email from him the next day, I got a bit uncomfortable. The man Googled me. He effin' Googled me and then had the nerve to reveal to me he'd done so by emailing me! Can we say "stalker"? I am seriously disturbed by this. To get the guy off my back, I wrote him back and told him I was seeing someone. It seems to have worked, but now I'm afraid next time I take my car in, he's going to sabotage it!!!! :(
See, being cute can be a total catch-22!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
alright, enough with being so evasive...
[deep breath]
I've kinda sorta maybe been, ahem, seeing someone. Yes, shocking, I know. Even more shocking is the fact that after several weeks a) I still like him, b) he still likes me (at least I assume so, considering he still talks to me), and c) I haven't managed to sabotage myself (yet). As always, I protect third party anonymity, so no identifying details will be divulged. But I will say this is someone who is really intelligent and I absolutely love talking to him and spending time with him (both in and out of the bedroom, thank you very much). For the first time in a long time, I don't feel like I'm settling or compromising on anything. This is definite progress.
But in spite of all this, I am still frightened to death that he's going to get tired of me and dump me on my sorry ass in the blink of an eye. I am trying really hard not to let this fear overtake me, yet I can't help but be guarded. I promise to keep you all posted, but at this point, I am simply trying to keep my cool.
Monday, January 7, 2008
back on track
So it would seem to me that I have somehow managed, for the time being at least, to reverse my bad karma.
Yes folks, yours truly seems to be getting lucky. Now the big question is - will it last??? Let's keep our fingers crossed and see...
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