Yours + Mine = Epic Fail

Below is an email exchange between myself and the makers of KY Yours + Mine. Though I have removed the names of the not-so-innocent, I assure you all I did not make any of this up. But in the interest of full disclosure, it is a dear friend of mine who is responsible for the marketing of this product, so all emails below were sent in jest and do not reflect the views of any actual corporations. This is meant solely for your amusement.

Original email sent my me:

Dear Mr. "My Job Is To Make Sex Better For Americans",

It is with great sadness and regret that I must report the complete and total failure of your new product. The box claims an experience that is "better than just right. Completely new and unexpected. More exciting. More satisfying. More everything." Perhaps if everything were to mean nothing, this would be true. I must confess that Yours + Mine completely failed to enhance my intimate experience. In fact, it completely failed to affect my experience in any way, shape or form. My $18.99 would have been better spent on tins of Altoids and a honey bear (essentially what Yours + Mine is) or perhaps some midget porn (which would have been more inspired). I want a refund - in cash - NOW.

Hugs and kisses,
Janet and [snip]

P.S. Let this be a lesson to you - don't try to convince a hyper-sexed lunatic and [snip] that your product actually does something amazing when it can barely cause a tingle. FALSE ADVERTISING!!!! BAD MARKETER! BAD, BAD!!!!!!

P.P.S. Seriously dude, this shit is so going back to CVS.

And the response I received:

Dear Ms. [snip],

We at the [snip] corporation sincerely regret that our product failed to warm your vagina to the degree that you desired. Perhaps your vagina has been desensitized due to the frequency with which you stick things in it. Or perhaps you are just a bitch. Either way, we would like to suggest that you upgrade to another of our products, Ben Gay, to ensure that your vagina gets the “completely new and unexpected” sensation that you are seeking.

Thank you for your letter and please do not hesitate to lose our number.

Sincerely,
[snip]

And my final rebuttal:

Dear Messrs [snip],

Who is Ben and how is he supposed to satisfy my vagina if he is gay?

Kindest regards,
Janet

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