I have received some indignant responses from someone I have written about in this blog. Let me be upfront here - I stand by everything I say and I do not take any of it back. What I write is what I am thinking at that moment in time. While my opinion may change over time, this does not change what I thought in the past. What I said was what I meant to say at the time and it stays, as written, no remorse and no retractions. I might not say the most flattering things all the time, but I call like I see it. I don't mean any harm, just being honest. That being said, I am about to give you all a little glimpse into my psyche.
The last time I went out on a normal date was about a year ago. I refused to have sex with the guy the first night and, of course, I never heard from him again. Now admittedly, the only people I really spend any time with are ones I go to school with, and we all know by now about my "don't shit where you eat rule" so my dating pool is basically completely dried up for the time being. I am ok with this, mostly because I have to be since I created this situation. Sometimes, I wish I could just be normal and go out on a nice normal date with someone new, just to experience the thrill of all that is - first dates, first laughs, first kisses, first everythings.
But then the reality hits that I am just lazy. I'm too lazy to find those firsts. Too lazy to go out there and actually find someone new to share all this with. Friends have asked me what I've done to try to meet men. In my defensive answer I rattle off lists of all the places I go where I can meet people, all the activities I do where I can meet people and the online dating sites I've tried in the past, followed by my vehement insistence that I am simply too picky, too smart, too "difficult", too outspoken, too outgoing, or too something or other to find someone who will "put up with me." This is all a lie. It's a vicious, terrible lie.
The truth is, I am closed for business. Before you even meet me, you don't even stand a snowball's chance in hell of getting past the gate. Sure, I might smile, sass, flirt and fuck you, but you'll never get to know ME - the real me - filled with fear, hurt and insecurity. Why is this? It's because I don't actually want someone new - what I really truly want is someone old, comfortable and familiar. I don't want to put forth the time, the energy or the effort into investing in someone new because I am so battered and so bruised from my previous interactions that I just can't find it in me to put forth that tiny shred of trust that's necessary. This is why I'm more likely to have phone sex with my married ex, because at least that doesn't require me to give up any more of myself to someone. My Favorite already has a huge chunk of me. He didn't ask for it, I just gave it to him. And whether he wants it or not, he gets to keep that part of me, forever. Maybe that's why I keep wanting to go back for more - so if for even a brief moment, I can be reunited with that part of myself I so desperately miss. I never wrote in this blog the full story of what happened between he and I, and I never will. There are some things that are just left for the two of us to know - our own private demons that obviously haunt us so deeply to this day, yet for the purposes of our everyday lives, are buried under mounds of guilt and hurt and regret and shoved into the cobwebbed corners of our minds. My Favorite isn't the only one that carries around a piece of me. There are others, each with a different piece, of varying importance and size. It is all these little pieces of myself that have broken off and scattered around the globe that I am drawn to, mostly because I want them back. I want to put all the pieces back together again so I can finally feel whole.
Coming back around full circle to my opening of this entry, to the person I have blogged about who took such offense in my words, I have but one request for you - don't. Don't be offended by anything I say, as I clearly have serious issues. I can be a smarmy, sarcastic bitch most of the time. That side of me that you are seeing, the one that you have every right to dislike, is my shield. Sharp words and witty comebacks are my defense mechanism for my shattered self and while it may not be the right thing to do, it's all I've got. So I cling to it for dear life and move onward as best I can.
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