Ok, so taking a break from writing about the past to bitch about the present. Behold my announcement of the day:
Last night, I was turned down by a guy. I was topless and straddling him and he said no. All I have to say to that is "dude, are you fucking shitting me!?!?!?"
Seriously? SERIOUSLY??????????
Where do I find these guys? Do I have a loser magnet embedded in me somewhere?
Friday, June 29, 2007
I can't even get laid to save my life!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Top 12 Signs You're Being Cheated On
I would say this chapter in my life began the day I met my last real ex-bf (you will find I will refer to many boys I have been involved with since as my "exes" but that is merely a term of convenience, as we never were actually officially exclusively dating). The story goes a little something like this:
I blame the jacket. My infamous "furry jacket" is still in a closet somewhere at my parents' house as I retired the thing several years ago. But I say it was the jacket that started it all. If you're wondering what the jacket looks like, I promise I will go digging for the pics and will post some as soon as they surface. Anyway, I always got noticed wearing this jacket. This crisp October evening was no exception. I waltzed in to a training class for a side job, glorious in my lateness so I suppose it was difficult NOT to notice me, jacket notwithstanding. Regardless, it was sort of a done deal after that. From the moment "EX" and I exchanged Ivy League rivalry banter, we were pretty much inseparable from that moment on. It was all fine and dandy mostly because we had sex like bunnies (oh to be 22 again...) whether we were "together" or "not". This was one of those relationships you're supposed to know is doomed from the start but you're so blinded by how good the sex is you can't separate the reality from the orgasm. One of the dozens of signs I suppose I should have seen but didn't until it was too late. Here's a list of the signs I missed in my youthful idealism.
TOP 12 SIGNS YOU'RE BEING CHEATED ON
12. He only refers to you as his "girlfriend" in private, and even then only sporadically.
11. He makes you feel like crap when you wonder what is going on with your "relationship".
10. He tries to get you to have group sex (with his ex!).
9. He's an actor.
8. He drinks a lot at cast parties.
7. He brags about having attended "naked parties" in college.
6. He still wishes he were back in college.
5. He moves to another state. (remember the golden rule of cheating - "out of sight, out of mind")
4. He suddenly doesn't return your phone calls, telling you he is "really busy" and has bad cell service.
3. You can't even get a hold of the guy and it's 9/11 and you work in Manhattan so clearly he doesn't care what happens to you in the wake of national tragedy.
2. You confess you hooked up with someone else and he is dead silent.
1. The only truly good part of the relationship is, was, and always will be just the sex.
Wow, reading that list back, it seems a little harsh. I am actually still friends with "EX" (you will learn I'm slightly insane like that). So if he's out there reading this, sorry babe, no hard feelings, it's all good now.
On a totally unrelated note, Twizzler Cherry Bites taste like cough syrup, yet I still cannot stop eating them.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Hello and Welcome!
Welcome to my blog. If you are wondering why I've decided to start this blog, well the answer is twofold. First of all, I've been keeping a private blog full of all the madness that is my life for quite some time now. That blog has sparked some fascinating dialogues among myself and my friends. In it, I divulge all the goriest, juiciest details and as a result, I guard it diligently and only allow certain individual access to it. Over time, I have found the process to be therapeutic, educational and above all, amusing. So, I figured it was time to take it public in order to share with the world what goes on in my crazy little life. I intend to share some amusing stories, spark some debates and glean some nuggets of wisdom from this beautiful little community we call the internet.
The second reason I have decided to start this blog I like to categorize as the "damn, I'm getting old" explanation. In a few short weeks, I will be celebrating my last birthday of my 20's. It is bittersweet, because on the one hand, I have over the years grown so much more comfortable with who I am and I would not trade that for the world. On the other hand, during that self-indulgent process, I somehow managed to squander my vibrant 20's on way too much heartache and isolation. Thus, it is with both gratitude and regret that I move forward into the final year of this defining decade. Writing this blog is meant as a way for me to capture what is left of my youthful insanity for all posterity.
Over the next few weeks, I am making a point of bringing all you new readers up to speed with the details of the story so far. Unlike in my private blog, here I am changing names and details to protect the (not so) innocent (i.e. myself). But the stories you are about to read are all very, very true. So sit down, fasten your seat belts, I have no idea where we're going, but it's going to be an awesome journey.
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