What do you get...

...when you take the stomach flu, roll it into horrific near deadline misses you have little to no control over, add a pinch of 2nd round interview notification anxiety, on top of mounds of work you can't possibly get done, with a side of about 40 female MBA students from across the country, a sprinkle of free sneakers and dinners, a dash of resurfacing Assholes and Boy Toys, and top it all off with a Lindsay Lohan sighting? Throw it all in a pot, bring to a rolling boil and, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the past 5 days of my life.

I'm too tired to plot it all out detail by detail right now, but the above recipe sums it up rather nicely.

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the wanting/wanted dichotomy

I've noticed a perfect negative correlation between wanting something and the ease with which you can have it. For example, all the guys I really don't want to have anything to do with right now are crawling all over me, yet the ones I actually want want nothing to do with me. Why does this always happen?

Right now, in addition to the classmates I've been turning down, Asshole seems to have renewed his interest in me. Nevermind that we are several hundred miles away from each other and I'm completely uninterested in his micro-penis. Sometimes, I think men have radar that picks up on your complete lack of interest so they can then go out of their way to remind you they exist. I bet if I could create some sort of repellent for this, I could make a fortune...

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the devil is in the details

Tonight, my treasured football team lost for the first time in 6 seasons in the Coliseum. Ironically enough, this loss was to the same team who last defeated us on home turf - Stanford. Our guys, ranked #2 in the nation, just broke a 35 game winning streak at home to a team that isn't even ranked. Even after our devastating loss to the Bruins last year at the Rose Bowl, the Trojans have yet to learn their lesson - never underestimate your opponent. I was among the thousands of fans who left the stadium stunned. Some will say a loss like this was long overdue to a cocksure 'SC. Others, will express anger and frustration at the team and the coach. And still others, like me, will attempt to drown their disappointment and sorrows in a fat pint of cold brew.

The Trojan football team and I have much in common. We have both been rolling along, confident in our own abilities and our own superiority, since 2001 in spite of the numerous failures and upsets that have occurred since. Because up until now, we've never lost quite so poignantly. The Trojans just had their reckoning tonight. And mine is on its way. I went to drown my sorrows over the game tonight with one of my buddies whose advances I've been steadily rebuffing. And my reason for the rebuff is all in details like the fact I don't think he's fully broken up with his ex, or my "principles" about "not shitting where I eat". But I'm starting to wonder if I'm blindsiding myself into not seeing the big picture. Maybe I owe it to myself to take that step back and realize that eventually, the streak (in the Trojans case, good luck and in mine, bad luck) has to be broken.

I'm on the brink of losing everything and nothing, simultaneously. I've been saying that I am tired of fussing around, and I'm ready to have a real relationship again. Yet, I'm not really doing anything to bring that about. I sit around doing exactly what I have been doing for the past 6 years - I push people away. I find an excuse and I use it to push people away. I harp on the little details without even letting myself look at the big picture. Instead, I waste my time and energy on knowingly impossible and improbable men. Sooner or later, that attitude is going to cost me someone who truly cares about me because the fact of the matter is I've probably been taking this person for granted for quite some time without even realizing it. Well, unlike the Trojans, I'm going to try to take my head out of the sand before I have to suffer agonizing defeat. Now all I need to do is figure out how to accomplish this...I suppose I need my own version of "Big Balls Pete" to coach me through it. Any volunteers?

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don't shit where you eat

I have a pretty strict rule for myself - absolutely positively no messing around with classmates for no good reason. And in the past few weeks I have rejected the advances of 2 separate classmates doing their damndest to flirt with me. Now, I know I complain a whole lot about never getting any action, so I am fully aware of the apparent contradiction. But the fact of the matter is maintaining the sanctity of my school life is a much higher priority to me than getting laid. My track record shows that I can't even have a casual hookup and not have it mess everything up in some way or another. The only time casual hookups have ever worked for me have been in situations where I've never had to see the other person again and there has been significant physical distance between us in general. So I am truly frightened to death over the concept of hooking up with someone I know I have to see and interact with every day. To me, this is a recipe for disaster. I realize this idea might be slightly irrational, but it is what it is. So please boys, respect my buffer zone and I'll reconsider getting naughty with you at the end of the school year.

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