"We've all got our junk, and my junk is you" -Spring Awakening

Oh, the bittersweet taste of what was and what could have been...

This week is the week of rekindling my two of my oldest and dearest old flames. The first of these flames isn't a person. The first is my first and only true love in life - the theatre. My love-hate relationship with the theatre began the first time I donned a big yellow tulle tutu when I was 3 and danced to Donald Duck onstage. I've never been able to replicate the feeling I get when I am onstage. There doesn't even need to be anyone watching, the theatre can be completely empty. Just me and stage is all I need to feel as though I've finally come home. Back in my performing days, I used to have a ritual - before every performance, I would lie center stage by myself and listen to my theme song, "Joyful Girl" by Ani DiFranco, blasting in my ears. It was the only time I ever felt absolutely completely at peace with myself. This past weekend, I saw "Spring Awakening" on Broadway. And during the opening number, I literally wanted to cry. I wanted to cry out of sheer jealousy that I was not up on that stage singing my heart out. The power of musical theatre has always awed me and inspired me. So why on earth did I walk away from a life in the theatre if it's obviously such a big part of me? Well, I'd gotten to a point where all the bullshit all that joy came wrapped in was sucking the life out of me and I couldn't bear to see that happen. I walked away before it became ruined forever. It doesn't mean I don't miss it madly and it doesn't mean it is no longer a part of my soul. I'm merely on sabbatical. And I will be back. Someday, I will be back and it will be on MY terms this time.

This brings me to the second past relationship. I've been thinking about My Favorite all day today, wondering why. Why didn't it all work out the first 10 times? My answer to this is that I was too young, too proud, too self-righteous, too insecure, too scared, too stupid and too blind to let that relationship be all that it could have been. What I learned today has resurrected something I thought was dead and buried years ago and made me see it in a new light. I've always in some way reveled in playing the victim in what happened between the two of us. I mean, on some level, I knew damn well it wasn't all his fault or mine, but I think deep down, I harbored all this resentment for feeling used. It wasn't until today that I realized I'm not the only one who was deeply affected by the other. I guess it was all reciprocal - we hurt each other and we still linger on each other. Strangely, I find something about this comforting. Maybe because it's the first time I realize that I really did get under his skin and that I'm not the only who is haunted by the memories. 7 years too late, I finally understand that whatever there was between us was real and palpable and powerful in its magnetism, yet we were never in a position to appreciate or exploit that. Maybe I always should have known and was just too self-absorbed and self-pitying to see it. But now I finally know, and I'm sorry I squandered it but I'm not sorry it happened. I know why I needed to have him in my life. And I am grateful for the way he touched me in every way - both good and bad.

I wish I'd had the lyrics below (from "Spring Awakening" - the underlying theme of this post) at the time. They sum up all of the above ramblings in 4 short sentences.

"Oh, I'm gonna be wounded. Oh, I'm gonna be your wound. Oh, I'm gonna bruise you. Oh, you're gonna be my bruise."